Don't make out with my wife yet
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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