whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
