I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
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laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
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he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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