bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
