my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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