so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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