I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
