Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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