I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
