and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
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I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
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I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need to calm my uterus...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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