Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.