Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
21 People Reveal The Most Embarrassing Secrets They Know About Someone
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.