I just pynch a tree in the face
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw