There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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