I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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