I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
