why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him