Already got asked if we're dating
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
