Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
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Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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