The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
