Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
