he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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