I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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