I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
