its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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