I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
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after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
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I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize