stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm sobbing to NWA
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
