What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
