Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
