When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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