I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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