we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
