You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
You left your phone here
Wait...
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