I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
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i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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