I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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