So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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