My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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