More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
