I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
