Someone shit on the floor
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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