I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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