some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
