i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
