her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want to have your abortion
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.