Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night