when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
