My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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