dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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