you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
