I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
