you guys were way drunker than both of me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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