I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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