i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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