The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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