I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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