I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize