Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
