how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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